daemon mailer.com

@ The Brutal Times

• The Geddy Leesa “Lost, Missing or Stolen”
  By DJ Salinger, THE LOUVRE - Some people are caring this morning, as the prog rock art world's most valuable sparkly treasure, the Geddy Leesa, has been reported lost, missing or stolen by its troll minder. […]
  DJ Salinger
• Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist
  By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST - In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN's go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan "so many times it really ruffled my feathers," according to the Big Red One himself. […]
  Daemon Mailer
• Led Zeppelin Form Led Zeppelin Cover Band
  By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS - In a shockingly awesome turn of events, after months (years?) of extended refusal on the part of Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant to rejoin the band, remaining Zeppelin members Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones finally figured out a way to sort of change his mind. […]
  DJ Salinger
• J.R.R Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings
  By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY - Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny's say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings. "First of all, it's not 'Hogwarts - it's Middle Earth," whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. "What's more is the genious who created Middle Eart […]
  Grande Chef Otto
• Embassy Staff Disappointed Mysterious White Powder Not Cocaine
  By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV - Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine. "We wanted to snort it so bad," ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. "But they said they weren't sure it was cocaine, so we'd […]
  Barry Husein
• Espresso, Lattes, Rats!
  By Ohashi Jozo, SHIMOKITAZAWA HILLS - Shimokitazawa, Tokyo. The summer of the American hipster. Blacky oversized chunky Williamsburger glasses leap from face to face, sucking all the shopping value out of a young Japonaise girl's face and replacing it with...Ugly Betty! Espresso, Lattes, Rats! […]
  Ohashi Jozu
• Hold the Lettuce: Afghan War Spoilers!
  By Styles Cradgerock, YOUR MOMMA - Yes, thundercat! Weekend war watchers all over the world (Florida?) are pee-oh'd this morning to find that WikiLeaks has leaked a whole slewload of spoilers aspoiling how the bumpin' Afghan intervention is gonna end […]
  Styles Cradgerock
• Millions Misspell ‘Flotilla’ as ‘Tortilla’ When Sexting
  By Daemon Mailer, THE INTERNET - Millions have manned up this morning to misspelling "flotilla", a lay term meaning "floating tortilla", as "tortilla", a land-bound Mexican delicacy served at Taco Bell. The misspellings occured mainly during sexting. […]
  Daemon Mailer
• General Urko Irked as Obama Picks Petraeus
  By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON - Fearsome warlord General Urko is said to be "quaking with venomous rage" at U.S. president, the American Barack Obama's choice to pass him over for the plumb position of new commander of U.S. forces in the Afghan humanitarian intervention […]
  Barry Husein
• My Pony Tail is Killing Me
  By Zack Peters, Special To The Brutal Times - As a long-haired white man I face a lot of discrimination, both in the workplace and from folks on the bus and in my own home. […]
  admin